Do You Know the Muffin Man?

One of the reason I decided to write this secret blog is my father. Just last night we had an argument again. It wasn’t like the heated ones which we normally have on a nightly basis. It was just an ordinary “I-think-you-think” kind of argument about his sister, my aunt.

My aunt, who is living in the northern part of the country, was diagnosed with a stage three uterine cancer and has already gone under the blade months ago. But now her condition has worsened. We’ve been receiving a lot of depressing text messages lately from her and that really worries the whole family. I’ve been suggesting many REALISTIC things to help her out but my father keeps on pushing them aside without giving any good plan. I can see that my father is already giving up on her. And I hate it. I was suggesting to transfer my aunt to a better hospital in Manila where real specialists can check her out, my father’s suggestion is to bring my aunt an herbal supplement that was said to be so “miraculously” helpful in controlling the disease.

As a future member of the medical team, I know my father sucks big time. He reasoned that we have to “try everything” even those stupid herbal supplements because my aunt’s case is “hopeless.”

What pains me as a son is to come to realization that my father is a loser.

It is bizarre that as a son I never looked up to my father. I grew up seeing my mother as the strongest and the wisest member of the family. My father didn’t see the necessity of working for the family until I was hospitalized when I was in pre-school. And he has remained in that position ever since, he was never promoted even once and he’s been really cool with it. I am 21 years old now.

My father works for a Korean company and he was asked if he would like to take a job as a boss in the Vietnam branch of their company. He declined. At first he was really ecstatic with the offer but when he realized that I will allow him, he started citing some “major” flaws in the offer. I wanted him to take the offer because I want him to grow as a person. He is just in his forties and in psyche, this group of people has to battle between Generativity and Stagnation. I told him that personal progress is not just measurable by the salary but by experience and if he want to experience things he has to take the job. But he didn’t.

His “personal growth” is not the sole reason why I want him to pursue the position. In a way I wanted to get away from him. Everyday of my life I’ve been threatened by the feeling that I’d become just like him. After my graduation, I planned to leave our house and find my own career path. I thought that maybe I can start by reviewing first for my board examination, but the day I already packed my things he suddenly went on an emotional feat that brought me back home before I can even leave it.

I wanted to take voluntary works but he just wouldn’t let me. I want to go away but I don’t have the means since he has the money and I can’t work just yet because I was not able to take the board. He even blames me why I was not able to take the board.

My mom used to tell us that my father is Mama’s boy, di marunong dumiskarte and weak. And she’s right.